Most Misused Word of the Week: Yesteryear

Examples of use:

Amelia: We got that one yesteryear.
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Amelia: We went to Noah's Ark yesteryear.
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Amelia: I'm going to eat that yesteryear.

Why Amelia Has the Flu (Which She Doesn't)

(At the Doctor's Office with Annie and Amelia)

Annie: Amelia, do you know why you have the flu?
Amelia: (Stares at Annie blankly)
Annie: (Points to a poster with graphic pictures of diseases such as Polio and Hep-A) So you don't get one of these. 

More Doctoring That Would be Horrifying if Real

Me: My feet hurt, doctor.
Dr. Annie: Your feet are on fire.
Me: They're on fire?!
Dr. Annie: Yes. (Does something with a novelty motorized fan that tickles tremendously)
Me: Are my feet still on fire?
Dr. Annie: (Sarcastically) I don't know. Jump up and down and run around. 

The Smell Test

Me: These eggs are expired. Should we use them?
Abby: They're fine.
Me: I'll smell them.
Abby: What are they going to smell like?
Me: You've never smelled rotten eggs?
Abby: No.
Me: Never?
Abby: No!
Me: Really?
Abby: Look, I just know that's what they call the last one there.

Still Glad Annie is Not (Yet) My Doctor

Dr. Annie: You have a cold. I'm going to have to cut off your hand.

Patient Me: My Hand?

Dr. Annie: Your fingers.

I'm Glad Annie is Not (Yet) My Doctor

Annie: Okay. Hold still. I'm just going to put a little blood in your ear. It's going to hurt. A lot.

It's Important to Be Self-Aware

Little people are funny!

-Amelia Mullins, age 23 months, in response to another boy about the same age, who stopped in front of her at a restaurant and did a little dance.

6 Years Ago Today. . .

I thank God for you every day.  Thank you for loving me and for building such a wonderful home for us and our beautiful girls.

Afternoon at the Museum

  

3 weeks ago, Annie and I made a trip to the Louisville Science Center.  It was a trip that she had earned because she had slept through the night for 10 consecutive nights.  (There had been some issues.)

We were a little concerned that there would be nothing for a 3 year old to do, and had considered making the trek to the Indy Children’s Museum.  However, we had promised a “Museum” and we had already delayed too long, and were afraid she might revolt if we didn’t pay up soon.

Long story short, if it weren't for an exhibit called Kidzone, it would have been a very long (or short?) afternoon.  The Kidzone is essentially a glorified playground, with a model TARC bus that the kids can play in, an ambulance with doctor’s “stuff” in the back, an airplane with kitchen and real seats, etc.  Annie’s favorites were the ambulance and the bus (which was inexplicably full of babies, making it more than a little creepy).

A couple favorite quotes from the day:

Annie: (While driving bus passengers to the hospital for treatment):  “I am the bus driver AND the doctor.” 

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Annie: “What is this place?” 

Me: (somewhat excitedly): “It’s Chemistry Kitchen!”

Annie: (Without a pause): “Let’s get out of this Chemistry Kitchen.”

We Don’t Say That

Tonight, while we were giving the girls a bath, Annie looked at us and said, “I am God.”

Abby and I were both standing there, and Abby, wisely sensing the hopelessness of attempting to address this statement, immediately said, “That’s something for your father,” and promptly left the room.

Where do you begin with such a statement? At the end of a week full of pretending to be things she wasn’t – a mommy, a puppy, a doctor – I knew from where those three words had come. Still, it was and is a pretty interesting (and horrifying) sentence to try to unpack and address. However, since I was slower than Abby in darting from the room, I was up.

I began with the quintessential buyer-of-time that most parents use, but that, if you think about it, make very little practical sense: “We don’t say that.”

She looked at me, and I could tell that she was thinking the obvious response: WHY don’t we say that?

Here goes – why not?: “Because it’s disrespectful . . . You are NOT God . . .God made you . . .”

The look on her face changed, and through her slight smirk, I could see that she got it.

Or not.

“MAY I be God? Is THAT what we say?”

Did I fail or succeed in this one – I can’t tell.

Bible-In-A-Year

If anyone is considering a Bible study regimen, at the beginning of the year Abby inspired me to read the "Bible-in-a-Year," using a prescribed program she found online. I really appreciate the way it's set up. So far, we've alternated between Old and New Testament, which is good for 2 reasons. First, it gives you a "break" from some of the more liturgical passages (e.g. Leviticus) , which are overall fascinating, not to mention the inspired word of God, but which can be somewhat hard to take in large quantities (I admit that I get a bit queezy after a few straight verses dealing with the fat around the liver of a sacrificial animal).

Secondly, and perhaps this was an important intention in setting up the reading order, it requires you to fully consider (and feel), as much as possible over such a vast cultural and chronological divide, what the Jewish scholars of Jesus day were holding onto when it came to the law. Reading chapter after chapter of God's law straight through (which I admit I've never intentionally done in the past), I begin to get an overwhelming sense of the weight of what God was compelling his chosen people to do. Here am I, thousands of years later, not bound by all of the specific requirements of the law given to Moses, yet I feel their weight and the compulsion that must have been Israel's to obey. (Of course, priest-consuming fire due to disobedience in the details would also get my attention, a la Lev. 10). And then there came Jesus, who turned the Jewish establishment on its head, challenging those who found their life's meaning in their ability to understand and "dispense" the Jewish law and customs. Having read these accounts back to back (ordered Genesis, Mark, Exodus, Acts, Leviticus . . .), it really helps to bring the forefront what the life and ministry of Jesus was fighting against, at least when it came to the Jewish leadership. It also helps to underscore why it would certainly lead to a death aimed at silencing the type of popular radical leader he had become (and not only of Jesus, but of many of the first century Christians -- the attempt to "tie up the loose ends"). It ultimately makes me appreciate all the more the faith of those who did accept that Jesus was who He said.

A favorite passage thus far, simply because it is so incredible, is the famed instance of Aaron building a Golden calf. Moses is up on the mountain, OBVIOUSLY communicating with God , and the people below say, "Enough of this waiting, Aaron, give us something to worship." It's behavior you've come to expect from the masses, but the fact that Aaron concedes is one of the most incredible parts of this period to me, especially seeing that a great deal of what God is outlining on the mountain has to do directly with Aaron -- God is setting the terms of his priesthood, while Aaron is melting bracelets to build a cow-god! And then there's that ultimate moment when God says, "Moses, by the way, you're people have just built a cow-god." I can only imagine the reaction of Moses. He's been gone just a matter of days, he's trekked to the top of this mountain to commune with and record the law of GOD, he's had to deal with complaining and ingratitude the likes of which we can hardly imagine, and now he's got to trek back down to TCOB, after he's pleaded with God not to just wipe out the whole lot of them.

The truth is I see that kind of "stiff-necked" forgetfulness in my own life. A very sad thing to identify with.

Technorati Tags: Theology,Bible-in-a-year,Moses

Expired Ketchup By Any Other Name

"If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall
we not revenge?"
W. Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice

I am constantly amazed at those little things that, as humans, bond us. There are things we experience that, in many ways, speak volumes about what it means to be human. We share these experiences, and in turn, we are shared by them (or whatever). Shakespeare knew it, and thus turned out page after copious page of barely-understandable, if beautiful, prose, which has been studied, quoted, memorized, acted out on stage, screen and in the finest city parks, and which has been used as fodder for everything from key chains to t-shirts. In short, The Bard was The Man. He observed those things that bond us, and he masterfully, if somewhat obtusely, digested and recorded them, so that generations of high school students would groan at the prospect of reading and re-reading them. He felt deeply what it meant to be human, and in turn was felt by it (or whatever).

I am no Shakespeare (although I once had an idea for a play about a man who found a magical remote and could control time, but I may have missed my opportunity), and Shakespeare really has absolutely nothing to do with this post, but I love discovering and sharing those instances, those little glimpses into the heart of the human experience. What is the blog if not a palette on which we the paint our common experiences, but with words, and not, you know, paint?

When I was in grade school, I would occasionally go with my dad to his office. It was a beautiful old building downtown. He still practices there. I have a distinct memory of eating lunch in the kitchen on the second floor. As the building was once a house, it was a full-sized kitchen, and it was fairly modern. As a “robust” child, lunch was important, and thus so were the necessary condiments. As often is the case, the fast food place du jour would forget to add said condiments to the bag, and alas, no ketchup/catsup for me. However, and herein enters the common human experience touted at the outset, this kitchen had a very special drawer. For the sake of convenience and continuity, I'll call it the Drawer of Condiments Past (although, as we'll see, condiments were only part of what this drawer has to offer). As its name implies, this drawer contained ketchups and mustards from days gone by, some from long-defunct local eateries, some from national chains, but decorated in styles and logos not seen in years. There was also mayonnaise, soy sauce, hot sauce, tartar sauce, jellies, jams, and all flavors in between. As a child in need of ketchup for his fries, I partook without much notice of the odd aftertaste that should not have been present, but that drawer remained deep in my mind in the intervening years.

Flash forward 20+ years. Somewhere in the midst of my day, I find myself at the office coffee maker. The kitchen that houses it is not really a kitchen. per se, but really a shotgun room which has a sink, a microwave, said coffee-maker, a file cabinet that they couldn't find any other room for, a drawer and a cabinet. Each day at this time, I open the drawer to retrieve a coffee stirrer, and each day I am treated to the same scene my ketchup/catsup-seeking self beheld in that second story Old Louisville law office. In fact, it could have been the same drawer. Ketchup from McDonald's circa 1988 (you just can tell from the logo); a spicy mustard from a deli I'm pretty sure closed a couple years ago; a cup of mozzarella cheese from a pizza place up the street, which I'm pretty sure was supposed to be refrigerated (the cheese, not the pizza place); salt and pepper packets littered all throughout the bottom, at least one broken open; one of those mayonnaise packets that they gave us in grade school that just says "Mayonnaise" with no other wording or information whatsoever; a packet of coffee stamped with an expiration date of three years prior; & various packets of utensils/napkins. This kitchenette-ette actually takes the concept a step further, as the overhead cabinet contains other various expired and creepy sundries: a wrapped sausage from a Christmas basket received no later than 2005; a smoked cheese, probably from the same era if not from the same basket; more expired coffee; creamer packets clearly marked with an expiration date of 2006; a basket that inexplicably contains tiny bottles of Kahlua; etc; etc.

Now, I have to say that I might not have all of the EXACT combinations of items and expirations correct, but you get the idea, and I can assure you that the list above is close. And, I can guarantee, it's universal. Thinking back on all of the jobs I've had where people shared eating space, the Drawer of Condiments Past is one of those things that always was there, promising that if you brought your fried fish, but forgot your cocktail sauce, there's a great chance that someone went to Captain D's sometime in the past, got carried away at the condiment station, and decided that rather than throw away that one packet of fish sauce, they would leave it for the next person who stumbled upon it at some undetermined time in the future.

If you work in an office setting, and you share a kitchen space, check to see how many of the following items are present. I'd bet that well over half are accounted for:

(1) A ketchup packet from a fast food place which has a logo you know hasn't been used in a long time
(2) A packet containing a napkin and soup spoon from Wendy's
(3) Soy sauce packets
(4) A packet of something you suspect should have been refrigerated, but aren't sure (a la Miracle Whip)
(5) Salt Packets
(6) Pepper Packets
(7) One real fork
(8) Sporks
(9) A packet OR unsealed container of red pepper from a pizza place
(10) A Moist Towelette
(11) Various napkins
(12) Peppermints or the green ones that look like peppermints (but are green)\
(13) Saltine Crackers (the square ones)
(14) Oyster Crackers (the little ones shaped like Stop signs)
(15) A packet of honey that is sticky, even though you can’t find any evidence that it has been opened.

(This reminds me of a joke I once heard involving Julius Caesar and hot dogs. I can't remember the joke, but the punchline was "Et Two, Brute?")

Technorati Tags: ketchup,shakespeare,food,condiments,human experience

What's Been Goin' On - Part 1

It has been some time, and much has happened since I began to shirk my responsibility to the Blogosphere, or at least to my little corner. I now list a few current events in an attempted order of importance:

(1) We are having another baby, and, of course, are thrilled with the news. The actual thought progression for me, for those of you keeping track, was something like this: "Wow! God is good . . . 3 blessings from God . . . what in the world are we going to do with 3? . . . but what a blessing . . .but where will he/she/they sleep? . . . I love being a dad. . . man, we need a van!

(2) Amelia and Annie continue to grow, amaze, astound, frustrate, confound, etc, as chronicled excellently here. A few of my favorite moments include: Annie calling everyone and everything "Tee-Tee" and thinking that she's the funniest person in the world; Amelia, wanting you to retrieve a ball she sees but cannot reach, saying, "I habba ball, I habba ball. I habba ball . . . "; Playing hide-and-seek with Annie when she hides in the EXACT same spot 10 times in a row, and yet each time seems to buy the farce that you're generally surprised; & of course Ameila pretending not to notice that you've removed the gate from in front of the stairs until she's sure she can make it past you, when she then darts like she's crossing the border at midnight.

(3) This week marks the end of my run as a youth pastor (for now?) as I've resigned from Highland. Wednesday night we celebrated with pizza and some of the kids cried (I'm assuming it was me and not the pizza). It was a sweet farewell, and I'm pumped to worship with my family this Sunday.

(4) My wonderful wife threw me a surprise birthday party. I was shocked almost to the point that I had a brief moment when I thought I had died. Here were gathered all of my closest friends and family, in a place they were not supposed to be. I wasn't dead, however, and had a good time. What a great wife (and BFF J.T., who helped pull it off beautifully).

(5) We had a little ice, and subsequently spent over a week with my in-laws. It was like old times. (Thanks Mom and Dad)


(6) I still have a job, which I thank God for frequently, but probably not enough.

(7) I saw an advertising campaign for beer a few months ago that I'm thinking about dedicating a post to because I still to this day can't wrap my mind around it. It has to do with Drinkablility, and I only list it amongst these highlights because when I first saw it, driving to work, minding my own sane business, I had a lingering and nagging thought that i was in a parallel universe or some such, where people, and advertisers, had lost their minds. It was a scary time for me. (Just as a preview for the potential post, when I was 3 there were a whole host of items which I would call "drinkable" -- puddle water, motor oil, Tab -- but I certainly wouldn't build an advertising campaign around the concept).

More to come . . .