On things I DON'T miss about the 80s

I experienced a massive wave of 80's nostalgia the other day. As is often the case, it was some song I hadn't heard in some time. (I think it was Toto, by the way, but I'm not sure). Among many aspects of that great decade upon which I reflected, I was reminded of a few things that I don't miss. To be fair, most if not all of these may be very specific to my experience (e.g. Nos. 3 and 4 being due to the fact that I was a rather rotund child of the 80's). There are only five I can think of, because when all is said and done, growing up in the 80's was Awesome! However, at least for me, these are some nostalgia killers:

5. Christian Skating Parties

Did anyone else attend these things? It was once every few months, and the local skating rink (Roller skating, mind you) would be closed to the general public, allowing church groups and Christian schools have the place for the night. The normal musical fare was replaced for the evening with popular Christian music. Now, I've grown to appreciate far more Christian music than I did when I was 10, and being involved in youth ministry, I can understand the need for and value of such an event. Be that as it may, I submit there were few greater blows to a young boy's ego than having no skating ability whatsoever (or balance in general) and being forced to do it to the likes of Christian recording artists Petra or Amy Grant. This was especially true in light of the fact that I could have bruised my entire body to much cooler artists like Billy Ocean and Mr. Mister (Take . . .these broken wiiiings!).

4. Tight, Polyester-ish Basketball Uniforms

These gems of misguided form and fashion, made out of a sand paper-like fabric, were definitely not made (or sized?) with the larger kids in mind. I might not have scored, but I had some major chafing to prove I had seen some playing time.

3. Coca-Cola Shirts

Actually Shirt, singular. I waited a while to get one of these trendy pieces of Americana, and I can remember when I finally got mine and put it on, I looked and felt like a walking advertisement for what happens when you drink too much Coca-Cola (Again, the huge horizontal stripe/wave not designed with any kind of deference to your larger kids. And again, there was some chafing).

2. Those "After School Special"-type shows which would run after Saturday Morning Cartoons

If one of the best parts of being a kid in the 80's was watching Saturday Morning cartoons, then those ultra-serious shows aimed at teens and pre-teens, which would sometimes run after the block of regular cartoons, was one of the worst. Nothing would bring you crashing back from the wondrous world of little blue creatures, transforming robots, brave, evil-fighting G.I's and adverts for sugared breakfast cereals than a voice-over saying, "Stay tuned for the conclusion of Anger Lives Here, where we'll find out why Johnny's dad had to go away." I'm sure there was something to be learned from these ominous morality-plays, but the timing was such a pain.

1. The Iran-Contra Scandal

Who can forget the fateful day in March of 1987 when Ronald Reagan went on national television . . . Oh, wait. I meant to file that one under "Things I should have cared about, but missed because I was too busy drinking coca-cola at the skating rink and rubbing salve on my chafed skin."

True Number 1: The Rubik's Cube

I know this "game" has made its way onto virtually every "Best things about the 80's list" there is. It has become one of those icons that represents an entire decade -- nay, an entire culture. Throughout its decorated history, it has won world-wide acclaim and accolades, including several toy and game of the year awards. (I actually know very little of its history, but its Wikipedia Entry is very informative). The problem I have with this invention is really very simple: it was marketed as a toy, with its bright colors and simple design, yet one had to be -- oh what's the word, oh yeah: GENIUS -- to solve it! Everyone I knew had one, and no one I knew had solved it. We all simply had one. Every once in a while, someone would pick it up, turn it a few times, get, say, 4 of the 9 colors to match, become cautiously encouraged that today might be the day, quickly mess it up again, and put it back down. It was a crusher of self-esteem. How were we, or at least us average kids, supposed to look optimistically toward a bright new future, when we were faced with the knowledge that an item selling like hotcakes at the local Toys R' Us was something we'd never be able to, as long as we lived, wrap our minds around? I actually resorted to taking off and re-arranging the stickers to solve it -- I distinctly remember that moment, when this menacing glorified box brought out the worst in me. Even to this day, there is a little sadness in the thought that, no matter what I do in life, I will never, whether through lack of intellect or patience, be able to get 9 stinking colors to match up on a stupid plastic cube!

(Having said all of that, I'd still love to hear from anyone who has solved it. I won't be mad at you!)